A SYNTHESIS OF THE PASSOVER RITUAL AND LITURGY
WITH THE TWELVE STEPS OF RECOVERY
15 AND WE CRIED
And we cried to Hashem G-D of our Fathers. We did not cry to our own personal G-D. We had no G-D. We were devoid of any conscious contact with Hashem. We had no interior vision and faith in a Higher Power. The spiritual path of prayer and meditation was not yet open to us.The closest we could get was to cry to the G-D of our Fathers.
We knew that Avraham, Yitzchok and Yaakov had a very personal relationship with Hashem. They tried to pass that information on to us, but we had to go the long way around and make our own journey.
Most of us are familiar with "foxhole prayers". Promising all manner of things to Hashem if only He will save us this one more time.
"And Hashem heard our voices". It does not say "He heard our prayers" since they were hardly that. We were incoherent, in great pain. We did the most we could do, reaching out and asking for help. No newcomer can do more.
HE SAW OUR PAIN
This is the loss of intimacy as it is written:The word 'know' has sexual connotations, as it is written:
Addiction leads to the place where ultimately nothing remains of the joys and pleasures we take for granted. Intimacy and addiction are mutually exclusive, for it is accompanied by high levels of core shame. Intimacy sets the stage for risking exposure and nakedness. Intimacy uncovers the core self which the addict can never risk for fear of rejection.
The next thing we lost were our children. We mirrored no one and no one mirrored us.
Kabbalistically, 'Son' symbolizes kindness. What remained was unbalanced fear symbolized by 'Daughter'. All the drugs and behaviors we abused have vicious side-effects. More so because they are distorted balances of emotions and sensations. Drugs famous for inducing euphoria left us severely depressed, whilst those famous for making us reckless left us shrill with paranoia. Killing the males and leaving the females is another example of imbalance. The pain was intense.
Hashem also saw the pressure we were under. No one but an addict in search of a fix, feeding a habit, desperately searching for validation, comfort or relief, knows the meaning of pressure. What incredible lengths we went to just to avoid the inevitable. We willingly trod the treadmill of unreality to avoid facing ourselves. Our hunger was a ravenous beast we desperately tried to keep sedated. The sheer energy expenditure involved in remaining "out there" far exceeds the most arduous lifestyle we work at in Recovery.
HASHEM TOOK US OUT OF EGYPT
It wasn't a medical doctor or psychiatrist. It wasn't a judge or probation officers. Hashem didn't send any of the counselors, advisors or representatives He has it at His command.In His Glory and Solitary Majesty He brought us out of Egypt. As it is written: "And I passed through the Land of Egypt this night".
This night refers to the addiction which is
the true exile in darkness.
- 1. Egypt, the seduction of abandonment to the world of slavery is
the Place which we now had the power to resist. "And I smote every firstborn
in the land of Egypt".
2. Firstborn refers to the glittering pantheon of illusory hyped-up irresistible People whom we now had the power to resist. "And all the idols of Egypt I judged and executed".
3. Idols refers to all the ephemeral objects of our obsession, Things
to which we imagined ourselves eternally enslaved. "I am Hashem". I can
restore you to sanity. " No one else".
- 1) A mighty hand.
2) An outstretched arm.
3) Fearsome greatness.
4) Signs.
5) Wonders.
WITH A MIGHTY HAND
This is the Pestilence. Pestilence was real in Egypt, for us now let it be a metaphor.The five descriptions of Hashem's power correspond
to the five stages of Recovery from any form of addiction, obsession
or compulsion that the disease may take.
- The first steps we took,
led to the cessation of our acting out behavior. We had to stop using before we could recover, but we lived to use as much as we used to live. Sobriety, abstinence, solvency or whatever recovery we sought required first the Mighty hand of Hashem. This is the mighty hand referred to in the Haggadah. Just saying NO! is a very difficult action to take.
A symbol of just how difficult is the Pestilence,
the sudden death of all our props and crutches. Everything we relied upon
died or was jerked out from beneath us. In an age where everything from
running water to agriculture to transportation and clothing depended on
beasts of burden and domestic animals, the instantaneous death of cattle,
livestock, horses, asses, camels, sheep and goats, was catastrophic. This
is what it was like to stop using.
- The second stage of recovery
is the Outstretched arm, symbolized by the
cutting sword. We begin to cut ourselves off from the people, places and
things associated with our addiction. If we don't make this break, odds
are we will relapse. Pushing away from ourselves all the accouterments
and paraphernalia of using. We begin by holding them at arm's length. We
are still fascinated and obsessed by them.
- With the third stage of recovery
comes great fear, symbolized by the "Shechina",
the Divine Presence, awareness. As we go beyond earliest recovery, distancing
ourselves a little from the whole experience, we encounter fear of returning
and relapsing. The fear of our vulnerability. Fears of many varieties surface.
We discover that the whole fabric of our lives has been shot through with
fear. We feel defenseless and naked. Stripped of our armor, we a gripped
by terror for our lives. We know that without help from somewhere, we must
surely go back to a life of using. This fear is a natural, healthy and
defensive response to the reality of weakness when we consider the life-threatening
nature of our disease. Fear for the loss of sobriety can be a valuable
tool in staying "clean".
- The fourth stage is The Sign,
the image of the external power which keeps us from hurting ourselves. The almost tangible, visible, physical guarantee of safety. The object of our desperate white-knuckled "hanging on" through the turbulence of Recovery. The symbol is a staff.
The Hebrew word for staff is; MATEH which besides
meaning staff, also means TRIBE. The words "staff" and "tribe" are interchangeable
since the staff is actually a symbol of identification in tribal societies.
Each of the twelve tribes was represented by an elder or PRINCE. His symbol
of authority and vested power was the staff he carried. For many of us
our tribe is the fellowship we belong to and the meetings we attend. It
is the staff of our life, when meetings are our bread and butter.
- The fifth stage of Recovery is the Miracle,
- "Either by your blood ye shall live or else
by your blood shall ye live".
This is the full circle, the last stage of our Recovery when we internalize the steps, becoming staffs of life.